Hey Listers,

“They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the f***ing smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.”

Great quote. Great movie. It may not ring true for all you listers, but certainly strikes a chord with me. You see, I have this uncanny ability to spend money. Sounds terrible I know. It is. It’s as if the pocket of my jeans were actually on fire and Best Buy sold the only extinguisher in town.

For anyone like me, this smoldering “burden” makes Thanksgiving more like Black Friday Eve. Forget the corn and yams, I’ll devour as much tryptophanic turkey as I can, because the faster I unbuckle my belt, the faster I plop on that couch, the faster I fall asleep, and the faster the 5 a.m. early bird specials come around. I cannot wait! I’ll admit, one my pet peeves is standing in line (due to an ADHD-induced lack of patience). Not to mention my displeasure with the frigid Midwest November weather. But the sales make all the miseries worth the wintry wait.

I am pretty sure Black Friday grew from people’s tendencies to start their Christmas shopping for friends and loved ones the day after Thanksgiving. And believe me, until Black Friday is marked as an official holiday in America, I will be using my float days to pretend it is (btw, Barack, if you’re listening maybe you should consider my plea as a part of your fiscal rescue plan for your inaugural year in the Oval Office).

For me Black Friday as good as it gets. Forget Christmas and birthdays when you get presents you don’t want and never asked for: the multi-colored plaid shirts, re-gifted label-makers, and holiday gift baskets with 6 types of cheese and chocolate that come February turn to so moldy your chocolate lab won’t even steal off your kitchen counter. My Black Friday shopping carts are selfishly stuffed with toys for me. It’s awful really. I am not a selfish person – just a victim of marketing.

Take my downfalls as a lesson of the misguided and ill-mannered. The holiday season is not about toys. It’s not about gifts and getting. It’s about giving. And it doesn’t even have to be the gift of material things – give love and happiness and help. Lend a hand to those in need and enjoy your time with family and friends. But also remember:

“Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't f***ing have any.”

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Hey Listers,

I can’t believe it’s been a year since my rant about how Halloween is supposed to be a night of fright, not this funny fools’ day it’s turned into. And I’m still peeved. Why are television stations airing National Lampoon’s Vacation over-and-over again when there are 100s of great scary movies they could show instead?

Instead of watching Michael Myers chop up all the trick-or-treaters in Haddonfield, we get Clark Griswold and family on their “merry” way to Wally World. Yeah there are some deaths (dragging Dinky to death behind the car and Aunt Edna passing in her sleep in the backseat), but they’re funny deaths. And sure Harold Ramis, one of the original Ghostbusters directed it (which by the way is painfully more funny than it is scary), but c’mon! I am looking for horror movies deaths. “Final Destination” meets Jason Voorhees meets “The Hills Have Eyes.” I want to be scared on Halloween! Give me “Halloween” and “Friday the 13^th,” or at least “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Where’s Freddy and Jason and Jigsaw and Chucky? Is AMC the only channel that gets it? Or have all the funny, cute little Halloween costumes distorted all our “fragile little minds.”

I have a favor to ask of you. Instead of giving treats to every trick-or-treater this year, reward the scary skeletons and ugly witches. Give the gobstoppers to goblins, ghosts and ghouls. And trick those funny, cute kids with an apple or toothbrush.

And any of you trick-or-treaters out there, let’s get back to the roots of Beggar’s Night. Remember the history behind the tradition, if someone forgets the treats, or leaves a “please take one” basket out, make sure you play an idle trick on the house or the homeowners. That is what the saying is all about. “Trick-or-Treat!”

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