Season’s Greetings Listers,

Wrap all your gifts yet? Well don’t rush! How you wrap a gift says a lot about who you are. And how you open it says even more.

Think about the cheapies whose gifts are wrapped in last Sunday’s sports page. And the lazies thrown in a plastic bag with the grocery receipt still stuck inside. Think about the hectic gifters with too much paper and the last green-tagged piece of Scotch tape. Compare those wrappers to  OCD-gifters, with perfectly creased parallel lines, symmetrical bows, curled ribbons, and snowman nametags written in loopy cursive.

Now think about those “kids” who tear through their gift then race to the next. Directly contrasting the patiently-waitings, who keep to themselves until each gift has been handed out, sincerely savoring each and every present, opening not only the bag or wrapping, but also the manufacturer packaging, reading the card verbatim, and actually using the gift before moving on. And then there are the OCD-unwrappers making sure not to tear the paper, saving it for re-gifting next year.

First impressions are everything. And a first impression is hard to change. But it’s not impossible! Anything can sway someone’s initial opinion, but not just your iPod playlist, your favorite movie, the clothes you wear, the house you keep, the team you cheer for, or the job you work; the quirky little things matter too.

Consider an order at Subway, or Chipotle, or even a pizza, and the volumes that speaks to others about who you are. Ham and provolone on white with mustard, lettuce tomato is simple and plain. Spicy Italian is care-free. Specialty sammies are for the adventurous. And how about the vegetarian Chipotle burrito with no beans or sour cream? Or the vast differences in people who get plain cheese pizzas versus supreme?

I’ve heard bartenders and waitresses say they can predict what certain people will order. Every stereotypical person orders a stereotypical drink. Cheap people drink Mt. Dew and Long Island Iced Teas. Classy and mature people order martinis (hence Bond’s shaken-not-stirred). A beer for the blue-collared and wine for the house-wife.

Every order says something. Every action delivers a reaction. Every moment can have a lasting impression.

This holiday season, pay attention as friends and family are opening their gifts, not just at the wrap-job, but the gifts inside and reactions whilst opening. And the lesson learned? Don’t jump to assumptions because that just make an… well you know. Wait to make “donkeys” until you take them out for pizza and a drink.

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Hey Listers,

So last Friday I turned 25. Twenty-five! Twenty-five years I’ve been wandering around trying to figure “it” out. And twenty-five years spent, or maybe wasted is the better word, not figuring “it” out. Okay, maybe “wasted” is a bit pessimistic. It’s probably the quarter-life crisis talking.

But seriously, birthdays split the world in two. Those who love birthdays, tell everyone they know it’s coming, buy themselves presents and bake themselves cake - and those who dread it like a funeral. But it’s not so black and white; it’s more like a peanut butter and jelly sammy. Pull apart a PB&J and on the jelly half you’ll find some peanut butter, and on the PB half you’ll find some J.

Some people dread a birthday one year, but fervently await the next.  I, on the other hand, have celebrated every birthday of my life – until this one. This one was different. Every kid celebrates his 13^th (teens), 16^th (driving), 18^th (cigarettes and porn… and voting), and 21^st (drinking). After twenty-one, the 22nd through 24th are typically blurry, and then all-of-a-sudden you’re 25! Twenty-five starts the beginning of the birthdays of dismay. Twenty-five = adulthood. And with adulthood comes those scary words like marriage, children, career, mortgage, and responsibility. Then by 30 you are supposed to have those figured out and you have a new list of words to worry about. It never ends!

I realize these rationalizations are a bit extreme, but I’m in the business of hyperboles. Still, I am jealous of the teenage birthday, the first-car birthday, the cigarettes, dirty-magazine and hung-over birthdays. Of course! Who isn’t? The question is how do you turn these 5s and 0s birthdays into something to celebrate? The trick is not worrying about what you haven’t figured out yet, birthdays should be celebrations of everything you have figured out. I was surprised to see what I came up with:

·         It’s okay to be a complete nerd, and especially a dork in disguise!

·         Fear controls you and your actions. By conquering fear, you gain control

·         The Yankees and the government just throw money at problems to make them go away

·         Do what you’re good at doing

·         If you’re good at something, never do it for free

·         And though money may not buy you happiness, it sure helps

·         Britney Spears and Tom Cruise are crazy

·         NASCAR splits the world in two (this time it is black-and-white, no grey middle between the haters and the lovers)

·         Jealousy breeds negativity, and negativity breeds jealousy. Stay away from both.

·         Eating two Chipotle burritos with chips & salsa in one sitting is nearly impossible

·         There is a fine line between passion and obsession

·         Most things don’t REALLY matter, so let it slide

·         Sequels always disappoint

·         And… Star Wars will always be totally awesome

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Hey Listers,

“They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the f***ing smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby.”

Great quote. Great movie. It may not ring true for all you listers, but certainly strikes a chord with me. You see, I have this uncanny ability to spend money. Sounds terrible I know. It is. It’s as if the pocket of my jeans were actually on fire and Best Buy sold the only extinguisher in town.

For anyone like me, this smoldering “burden” makes Thanksgiving more like Black Friday Eve. Forget the corn and yams, I’ll devour as much tryptophanic turkey as I can, because the faster I unbuckle my belt, the faster I plop on that couch, the faster I fall asleep, and the faster the 5 a.m. early bird specials come around. I cannot wait! I’ll admit, one my pet peeves is standing in line (due to an ADHD-induced lack of patience). Not to mention my displeasure with the frigid Midwest November weather. But the sales make all the miseries worth the wintry wait.

I am pretty sure Black Friday grew from people’s tendencies to start their Christmas shopping for friends and loved ones the day after Thanksgiving. And believe me, until Black Friday is marked as an official holiday in America, I will be using my float days to pretend it is (btw, Barack, if you’re listening maybe you should consider my plea as a part of your fiscal rescue plan for your inaugural year in the Oval Office).

For me Black Friday as good as it gets. Forget Christmas and birthdays when you get presents you don’t want and never asked for: the multi-colored plaid shirts, re-gifted label-makers, and holiday gift baskets with 6 types of cheese and chocolate that come February turn to so moldy your chocolate lab won’t even steal off your kitchen counter. My Black Friday shopping carts are selfishly stuffed with toys for me. It’s awful really. I am not a selfish person – just a victim of marketing.

Take my downfalls as a lesson of the misguided and ill-mannered. The holiday season is not about toys. It’s not about gifts and getting. It’s about giving. And it doesn’t even have to be the gift of material things – give love and happiness and help. Lend a hand to those in need and enjoy your time with family and friends. But also remember:

“Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't f***ing have any.”

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Hey Listers,

I can’t believe it’s been a year since my rant about how Halloween is supposed to be a night of fright, not this funny fools’ day it’s turned into. And I’m still peeved. Why are television stations airing National Lampoon’s Vacation over-and-over again when there are 100s of great scary movies they could show instead?

Instead of watching Michael Myers chop up all the trick-or-treaters in Haddonfield, we get Clark Griswold and family on their “merry” way to Wally World. Yeah there are some deaths (dragging Dinky to death behind the car and Aunt Edna passing in her sleep in the backseat), but they’re funny deaths. And sure Harold Ramis, one of the original Ghostbusters directed it (which by the way is painfully more funny than it is scary), but c’mon! I am looking for horror movies deaths. “Final Destination” meets Jason Voorhees meets “The Hills Have Eyes.” I want to be scared on Halloween! Give me “Halloween” and “Friday the 13^th,” or at least “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Where’s Freddy and Jason and Jigsaw and Chucky? Is AMC the only channel that gets it? Or have all the funny, cute little Halloween costumes distorted all our “fragile little minds.”

I have a favor to ask of you. Instead of giving treats to every trick-or-treater this year, reward the scary skeletons and ugly witches. Give the gobstoppers to goblins, ghosts and ghouls. And trick those funny, cute kids with an apple or toothbrush.

And any of you trick-or-treaters out there, let’s get back to the roots of Beggar’s Night. Remember the history behind the tradition, if someone forgets the treats, or leaves a “please take one” basket out, make sure you play an idle trick on the house or the homeowners. That is what the saying is all about. “Trick-or-Treat!”

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Hey Listers,

 

Worried?  I am sure you are. There is a lot to be worried about these days. And everybody is worried about something sometimes (not to be confused with Dino’s “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”… though just as true). But even the smooth talking, care-free Rat Pack had their worries. Like when Frank Sinatra Jr. was kidnapped. Imagine how nerve-racking that would be! Us normal folks have more common things to worry about.

 

First and foremost on everyone’s mind is this fiscal pit we’ve fallen into. The DOW continues to drop. Huge firms are flopping. Banks are bankrupt. And you are worried about your money, your future, your children’s future, and your children’s children’s future. Who wouldn’t be?

 

Then there is the Presidential election. Who are you going to vote for? Will he fix our problems? Can he put an end to our worrying? And then even if he says he can, will he?

 

And don’t forget about the simpler uncertainties in life. What to wear tomorrow? What to eat for dinner? How will this presentation go? And how far below that red line can the fuel gage go before you have to fill up on $4-gas?

 

So many questions, so few answers.

 

"Today is the tomorrow I was so worried about yesterday." It’s so true, yet, makes absolutely no sense if you think about it.

 

What’s all this worrying for? What’s it mean? That you have to hold off on that 60-inch plasma to hang on the wall, or that roomy new black-leather Gucci handbag. That you can’t lay a gas-hogging footslam on the accelerator when the light turns green. And that you can’t go to SinCity for a Sammy-Davis-style New Year’s bash.

 

Now I’m not going to pretend I’m Nietzsche or anything, but does any of this truly matter? You need to have “the ability to let that which truly doesn’t matter slide” because “everything will work out – it always does.”

 

The truth of the matter is this: there is always plenty to worry about, always; and worrying never makes anything better – it doesn’t solve problems and doesn’t make issues go away. So instead of wasting away worrying about things – especially things that truly do not matter – why not take a break from your worries, smile and take a deep breath. Because just as it reads on Sinatra’s tombstone: “The Best Is Yet To Come.”

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Hey Listers,
It’s been a while. Hope you are still listing! Sure looks like you are. LAL has over 14,500 lists now! A lot has happened since I wrote you last:

 The new Indiana Jones premiered and bombed. Well critically bombed at least; box-office numbers did okay despite the horrid reviews and me walking out of the theater half-way through; did you know you can’t get refunds for movies utterly sucking ?

Seems like Harrison Ford has been around longer than sliced bread doesn’t it? Ford’s first role as a bellhop in “Dead Heat on a Merry-Go-Round ,” was the same year  the Beatles’ John Lennon  made the comment in an interview published in The London Evening Standard, "We're more popular than Jesus now.” Speaking of more popular than Jesus, did you know Ford had roles in many of biggest box-office hits of all time , though his role in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (as Elliot's school principal) was deleted from the final cut of the film. It’s shocking that he is only #75 on the list of Top 100 Actors and Actresses with the Most Movie and TV Appearances . 

Other debuts include new iPhone 3G. It still sucks!

Big Brown made his bid at the Triple Crown of horse racing only to come up short in the final leg . No pun intended. But speaking of slipping up:

Sarah Palin tripped and fell bum -backwards into the Republican VP seat, political spotlight and harsh media criticisms (Caution: Alaskan ice slippery when wet).

As the Presidential election gets closer, more and more celebrities are choosing sides of the aisle. Hollywood is known to be left-leaning , but there are some celebs openly backing McCain as well on the other side of the aisle.

And how about Michael Phelps?! Not his political views; and actually NOT the 8 gold medals either, because that’s nothing compared to his daily food intake. 12,000 calories! Do you know what that is equal to? Have you ever tried to eat two Chipotle burritos? I have and I cannot even imagine ten! I have a better chance at London gold in the 200-free.

…Anyway, I hope you keep listing , adding to those wiki lists , and continually checking back with ListAfterList as it becomes the biggest thing since powdered milk . Or is it “biggest since sliced bread” and “longer than powdered milk”? Powdered milk was first spotted by Marco Polo in Mongolia in 1275; that’s not that long is it? Or very big? Wait, what does powdered milk have to do with anything?

Nevermind that, here is one final, actually important question: What are the options you have if your boss’s toupee falls on the floor?

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Still Resoluting?

Happy New Year Listers!

How’s your resolution coming along? You realize it is only day 10 right? Don’t worry, I am not doing so well either. I told myself I wouldn’t be so obsessed with making lists for every little task in my life.

You should’ve seen it – there were daily to-do lists, weekly to-do lists, movies to see, music to download, grocery lists, reading lists, lists on my Treo, lists on my fridge, and lists covering my desk.  Well, there are still lots of lists but I am not as obsessed with it. Then again, what could I really expect, I do have a pretty influential list-making job.

What was your New Year’s Resolution? Were you creative? Or did you choose something generic: to lose 20 pounds, to run 5 miles every week, to read more books, or to quit smoking? Those generic ones are often harder to stick to. Try being creative, instead of a generic diet resolution, try something like only drink soda when you are out to eat, or instead of picking a random resolution out of your favorite fitness magazine, try to find a sport you like (or even a Nintendo Wii game like Wii Sports) and joining a league or playing with friends a few times every week. Don’t just say you’ll read more books; make a list of books you want to read. Just because John and Heather say you should spend less, save more, and watch your debt disappear, doesn’t mean that should be your New Year’s choice. Try to make something fit your lifestyle; for instance, don’t buy a new DVD every Tuesday, or instead of going to Outback for dinner, try grilling out back your home instead.

No one else can make your resolution for you. But you can get some very creative ideas from others’ resolutions. And remember, resolutions don’t have to start on January 1st, you can always make willful changes any day of the week, any week during the year.

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Season’s Greetings Listers!

 

And Happy Holidays. Unless of course, you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping yet? Or if you are in any way related to Britney Spears? Did you hear her 16-year-old little sister is pregnant now? And her mom’s “parenting” book has been delayed indefinitely. Maybe now grandma will have time to add a new chapter on teen pregnancy and their bald, party-animal aunts? Then again, maybe you have another reason to not be merry? Or maybe you’re just one of those real-life Scrooges? Well don’t be a Grinch! So you don’t like the mall’s hour-long checkout lines. And your rear-wheel-drive, two-door car sucks on the unsalted, unplowed roads. And maybe your honey-do list gets a little longer this time of year. Whatever your reason to be bah-humbugger, there are plenty of reasons to be a Cindy Lou Who instead; besides the usual family, friends and health. Hate the commercialized Christmas? Make it a religious holiday. Remember that December 25th is supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus. Hate the holy, spiritual side? Celebrate the social side. The holidays are a time of gathering. Besides seeing old friends and long-lost family members, it’s a chance to meet new people. Come out of your shell and shake hands with strangers at your office party, or look for some cutie standing alone under the mistletoe at the bar. Hate the social obligations? Curl up on the couch with a warm blanket and cup of eggnog next to a crackling fire and sparkling Christmas tree. Or go play fetch with your dog in the snow. Or take a stroll through the local holiday decorations. ‘Tis the season! Or just get out of town you Grinch. If you just don’t want to celebrate Christmas, take the expected time off of work or school to go on a vacation. In any case, if you’re a holiday Scrooge today, try and remember how special it was as a child. And if you’re childhood holiday memoirs were glum, you can always make new memories Mañana.

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Greetings Listers!

 

So today is my birthday. I’m 24. Do I feel any older? You know what, I actually do! Twenty-four years of celebration, 24 years of experience and immaturity, 24 years of wisdom and stupidity. Anyway, it got me thinking about the circular evolution of the birthday. You parents will often say, your birthday was the happiest day of their lives. Throughout your childhood, birthdays were the biggest celebrations possible, with clowns and cake and confetti. Back then, your age was always the first thing on your mind and the first question you were asked. Remember when your age directly correlated to how “big” you were? As you get older, some other factors unfortunately begin to determine how “big” you are - but that’s a whole other issue - back to the birthday timeline. The teenage birthdays become less a celebration of you, and more a celebration of milestones and newfound freedoms. At 13 you’re officially a teen, 16 can drive, 18 an adult, and at 21 drink. After that, the celebrations become a little less exciting and come around a little more quickly every year (I’d like to tell you they don’t really come faster, but according to some mathematical law of fractional differences, they actually do). By then, the clowns and confetti are gone, and your cake isn’t big enough to hold all your candles. Have you ever forgotten how old you are? Its crazy to think you used to be able to show those tall people how old you were with the fingers on your hand. But just because you can’t count how old you are on your fingers and toes anymore, doesn’t mean it’s not exciting. Sure, no one will be screaming on your 25^th like they did at the bar at midnight of your 21^st (because they probably won’t be as drunk), but all those birthdays coming up that end in zeros are celebrations of different milestones in your life. And think, at the big 5-0, you will only be halfway through your entire life. Half way! Imagine all the things you did in the last half of your life? Seems like a lot, huh? There will be more career accomplishments, new relationships, and every day excitements. Heck, the Yankees might even win another pennant in your lifetime. And you always have the Denny’s senior citizen discount to look forward to. There is always more. And if and when you have a child of your own, the evolution will start all over again with their birthday, the happiest day of your life.

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Greetings Listers!

 

It’s almost here! A day of feasting followed by fatigue. A day of indulgence then reduction. No, not Thanksgiving you glutton - Black Friday! On Black Friday, Americans everywhere indulge themselves in spending and feast on super-reduced sales at stores that open so early in the morning they shouldn’t be early-bird specials, but night-owl specials. Now why would you think I was talking about Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day of gratitude and grace (no matter if you believe it a secular or religious holiday). But by no surprise, America has turned it into a day of full of turkey and football. Now I’m not trying to bash Thanksgiving, because, just being Americans we have so much to be thankful for (i.e. every soldier fighting the war on terror). But the real excitement follows. Thanksgiving is just the start. Thanksgiving is Black Friday Eve. And thank goodness for “Turkey Day” because if it wasn’t for all that tryptophan consumption and Thanksgiving Day napping, you’d never be able to wake up at 4 a.m. to stand in frigid lines outside Sears. Is nothing more American than these two days? So tomorrow morning, give your thanks and get ready for the big day. Stuff the turkey, whip the mashed potatoes, turn on the parade (or football pre-game show), pull the pumpkin pie out of the freezer, and check your local ads. Our economy will certainly be thankful.

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