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Things I've Tried to Beat-Off To but Failed  
STRANGE 

Tags: masturbate, masturbation, porn, pornography, sex, self, beat-off, hand, pictures, magazines, funny, LOL, sfw

An incomplete list of my unsuccessful masturbatory fodder. Just to be clear, in plain English, these are things I have attempted and failed to reach orgasm while masturbating to:

	Janet Jackson's SuperBowl nipple slip
	Nightline
	an Herbal Essence shampoo commercial
	A tape of my 3rd birthday party
	Various Teletubbies episodes
	An antique wall clock
	the sound of Clay Aiken's voice
	The sunrise
	A bottle of wine with a naked girl on the label
	The Sears catalogs
	The Victoria Secrets catalogs
	Fingerhut catalogs
	Various inflight magazines
	ListAfterList.com
	Vic’s vapo-rub
	A book about the civil war
	The film Sophie’s Choice
	A squirrel I locked eyes with
	A subway coupon
	Nova ScienceNow
	A receipt from the hardware store
	the Garmin Nuvi GPS voice
	A lazy mountain river
	John Wayne’s headstone
	The Tuff Gong logo
	Meatloaf’s “Bat Outta Hell” record
	A medical supply catalog from 1983
	The flash introduction on Toyota.com
	The idea of “unity”
	Paul Harvey
	Jack The Ripper walking tour
	A blank 3.5 high-density floppy disk
	An older Honda civic
	The Turner Diaries
	Lincoln Park Zoo’s penguin enclosure (just the structure not the Penguins)
	Nicorette
	A pan flute
	Walter Payton’s rookie card

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