| 1. | Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. |
| 2. | Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. |
| 3. | Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. |
| 4. | Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. |
| 5. | Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. |
| 6. | Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. |
| 7. | Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. |
| 8. | Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. |
| 9. | When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles. |
| 10. | Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens. |
| 11. | Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”. |
| 12. | Play with the automatic doors. |
| 13. | Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!...” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. |
| 14. | While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?” |
| 15. | Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. |
| 16. | Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.” |
| 17. | Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. |
| 18. | Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. |
| 19. | As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!” |
| 20. | Put M&M’s on layaway. |
| 21. | Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas. |
| 22. | Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. |
| 23. | Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles. |
| 24. | Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. |
| 25. | Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “...I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!” |
| 26. | TP as much of the store as possible. |
| 27. | Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. |
| 28. | Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down. |
| 29. | When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?” |
| 30. | When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!” |
| 31. | Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?” |
| 32. | Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. |
| 33. | Take bets on the battle described above. |
| 34. | Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. |
| 35. | While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. |
| 36. | Hold indoor shopping cart races. |
| 37. | Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible. |
| 38. | Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. |
| 39. | Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. |
| 40. | Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?” |
| 41. | Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store. |
| 42. | Two words: “Marco Polo.” |
| 43. | Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. |
| 44. | “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics. |
| 45. | In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels. |
| 46. | When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. |
| 47. | Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. |
| 48. | When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!” |
| 49. | Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. |
| 50. | Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. |