| | Hey, woah, hey, woah. |
| | (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. |
| | (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were you around ten-ish? |
| | (to guys wearing yellow isolation suits) So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid. |
| | (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! |
| | ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!' |
| | A hot girl's at stake and all of the sudden he's Rain Man. |
| | Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'... |
| | Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? |
| | All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? |
| | All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" |
| | And he's not speaking metaphorically. |
| | And now you're giving me the message! |
| | And the Knicks rule all. |
| | Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right? |
| | Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish. |
| | Because I'm cooler. |
| | Because if I go home, we're gonna become the Bings! I can't be the Bings! |
| | Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish. |
| | Because that would be crazy? |
| | Bing! Chandler... Bing? Chandler: My name is Gaelic for 'Thy turkey's done'. |
| | C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late." |
| | Crazy bitch. |
| | Dehydrated Japanese noodles under fluorescent lights... does it get better than this? |
| | Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? |
| | Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute? |
| | Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff! |
| | Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?! |
| | For three years? |
| | From now on I get the dates and YOU have to stay home Saturday nights watching Ready Set Cook! |
| | Goodbye you fruit drying psychopath. |
| | He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady. |
| | Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut. |
| | Hey Pheebs, what's up? |
| | Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand) |
| | Hey, Ross, quick question for ya. Are you ready to party? |
| | Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done. |
| | Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass! |
| | Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee? |
| | Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. |
| | Hi, my name's Chandler. I just moved in next door and I was wondering if you would be interested in battling me in a post-apoplectic world for control of the galaxies last remaining energy source? |
| | Honey, I'm gonna save you some time, 200 CDs, not one of them in the right case. |
| | Honey, it's 2:00 on a Wednesday and I'm watching Road Rules, how stressed do you think I am? |
| | How about to the street say from the balcony? |
| | How do you not fall down more? |
| | How long you been waitin' to say that? |
| | Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area? |
| | I assure you, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way! |
| | I can't believe you didn't tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty! |
| | I did! I absolutely did! |
| | I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. |
| | I don't know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?! |
| | I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. |
| | I know, I know, but you're gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over. |
| | I married Fred Sanford! |
| | I think this could be the real thing! Capitol R! Capitol T! (Joey thinks about something) Don't worry, those are the right letters. |
| | I'm afraid I might just be. |
| | I'm here to see Mary-Angela. |
| | I'm sure you're right, but why? |
| | If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom. |
| | In the James Taylor case. |
| | It looks like... night of the living dead christmas trees! |
| | Joey's gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you'd come by as a slutty nurse. |
| | Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV? |
| | Kathy's with her parents, I have nothing to do, so tomorrow we are partying with Gandolf dude! |
| | Let me try it on! |
| | Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put it in the nearest one. |
| | Like, when you're cooking a steak. |
| | Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down. Okay? The answer is no. |
| | Look, you have to help me! Okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman, y'know, I know where everything goes, it's always nice. But I need to know what makes it go from nice to, "My God! Somebody's killing her in there!" |
| | Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ. |
| | Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere. |
| | Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it. |
| | Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately. |
| | No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!! |
| | No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee. |
| | No! That would be so awkward! Look-Besides, we work in different departments. He's on the sixth floor y'know? So he calls me Toby once in a while. What's the big deal? It could be worse, it's not like he's calling me Muriel. |
| | No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg. |
| | No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch. |
| | No-no, I don't think you heard me. Are you ready to party?! |
| | No. When it comes to sweets, he's surprisingly strict. |
| | Now I've upset you? What did I say? |
| | Oh great, food with hair on it. |
| | Oh it's been going on way to long now. Y'know, I mean the first time he said it we were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn't say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey Toby, do you want a donut?" And I-I wanted a donut. And now it's five years later, the donut's gone and I'm still Toby. |
| | Oh look, it's the woman we ordered. |
| | Oh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this lycra spandex covered gym…treat. |
| | Oh my God, how did you do that? |
| | Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's. |
| | Oh y'know, I've been living here a while and I've never seen what's inside that closet. What is, what is in there? |
| | Oh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times. |
| | Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first. |
| | Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car. |
| | Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. |
| | Oh, she's got you running errands, y'know, picking up wedding dresses… (Laughs and makes like Indiana Jones and his whip) Wah-pah! |
| | Oh, tell her good luck with that. |
| | Oh, what the hell is that? |
| | Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time. |
| | OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins. |
| | OK, then, eat me, I'm done. |
| | Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone? |
| | Okay, if you see a little version of me in there kill it! |
| | Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her.... |
| | Okay. Here's a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces. |
| | Phoebe, did you see that?! He totally checked you out! He is so cute! (Looking at his tea.) Mine has a picture of The Village People, what does that mean? |
| | Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond! |
| | Really? What do you do? You just sit in there stewing in your own filth. |
| | Ross is Batman! |
| | Screw the Knicks! |
| | She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend. |
| | She's one of us now. |
| | Shh! It is a family name! |
| | So Rachel's all moved out huh? How are you taking it? |
| | So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes. |
| | So, why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do? |
| | Stop naming dwarves! |
| | Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?! |
| | That's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. |
| | That's the magic story you use when you wanna have sex! |
| | That's weird. I don't think my boss likes me either. |
| | That's what I did. Wah-pah! |
| | The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games! |
| | The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. |
| | The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler! |
| | The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white! |
| | They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica's look) in exchange for money. |
| | This is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue. |
| | Tonight, on a very special Blossom. |
| | Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know? |
| | Uh, yes, yes it is. |
| | We can? All right, I'm tryin' that. |
| | Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term. |
| | Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. (Joey gets a sheepish look.) You used my toothbrush? |
| | Well he doesn't have to know! It's not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas. |
| | Well maybe he was nervous. |
| | Well maybe it was all of your questions. |
| | Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding. |
| | Well she's, she's the kinda girl-Joey was unconscious. |
| | Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done? |
| | Well this is just sad! |
| | Well, how do you find clothes that fit? |
| | Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight. |
| | Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right. |
| | Well, if we're gonna do that we should come up with some kind of order. Y'know alphabetically or by genre? |
| | Well, she looks the exact opposite of that. |
| | Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad. |
| | Well, you have to honest with her! Otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path, but you're really going down different ones. |
| | Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day. |
| | Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery? |
| | Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights. |
| | What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?! |
| | What's funny about that? |
| | Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year. |
| | Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. |
| | Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back? |
| | Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback. |
| | Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here? |
| | Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. |
| | Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done. |
| | Y'know I think we should invite them. |
| | Y'know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours… |
| | Y'know I'm-I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding. |
| | Y'know what you should do, just toss 'em in the shedder and claim you never got 'em. |
| | Y'know when we move in together, can I get a gumball machine? |
| | Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so… |
| | Y'know, whipped! Wah-pah! |
| | Y'think? |
| | Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship. |
| | Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.) |
| | Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin. |
| | Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you. |
| | Yeah, he thinks that's my name. |
| | Yeah, I just got uh, got plans. |
| | Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. |
| | Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting. |
| | Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? |
| | Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way. |
| | Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testicles may be in here too. |
| | Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat all of a sudden I have this big attitude problem. |
| | Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon! |
| | Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. (They're stunned.) Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me. |
| | Yes I did, and I think you should do it. |
| | Yes, apparently Stevie and the band are like this. |
| | Yes, include more people in this. |
| | Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? |
| | Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. |
| | You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom... |
| | You don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try and confuse you! Then they bring out Maria. |
| | You know me sir. Oh ah, I do have a question for ya. Do you know how I get around the office computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn? |
| | You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? |
| | You'd think that would embarrass me, (motions to his bunny suit) but you see I'm maxed out. |
| | You're gonna need much bigger jars! |
| | You're turning into a women. |
| | Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister. |