| | "This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her." |
| | "For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks." |
| | "Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her." |
| | "Yes, this is a business office, but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system." |
| | "Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way I only have to do wash once a year." |
| | "Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up." |
| | "She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want nice. Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?" - George, in "The Cafe" |
| | "If I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up the walls and in their home, like Lenin." |
| | "If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all." |
| | "I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs." |
| | "Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong." |
| | "Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny." |
| | "Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship." |
| | "Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?" |
| | "A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion." |
| | "In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of those three?" |
| | "Hey, believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think's gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?" |
| | "You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name." |
| | "Hey, it's George. I got nothing to say." |
| | "What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't shop there." |
| | "I don't trust men in capes." |
| | "I think she finds my stupidity charming." |
| | "The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal." |
| | "Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women." |
| | "When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do." |