| | Never iron naked. |
| | Cooking bacon requires clothing too. |
| | Turn off the oven, but barring that, have the others in your family check behind you. |
| | However, I have left the gas oven on for two days or more and no harm has come of it. (Don’t tell my husband this) |
| | You can not do this with the gas burners, however. They must be turned off or damage will be done to your pots and eventually to your kitchen. People walking by while you air out the house from blackeye pea coal fumes will ask if you want them to call the fire department. You don’t. You have it under control. It looks much worse than it is. Apparently there is a lot of smoke in them thar peas. |
| | Buy small appliances that turn themselves off so you needn’t concern yourself 50 miles from home with whether you have turned off the coffee maker or the iron or the curling iron which is really only good for burning the back of your neck accidently, so just give it up. |
| | Electric curlers are a bad idea too. They can become entangled from both directions and have to be cut from your head, involving much derision and laughter from your spouse. Better to just go with a style you can shake your head like a dog after showering and go with that. Also, this way, when it rains, you will still look just as good as when you left the house in the morning. |
| | Smile a lot. |
| | Laugh more than that. |
| | Tell people that you love that you love them. |
| | But don’t stop picking on them. |
| | Send people unexpected items in the mail. |
| | This should not include chicken parts. At least not intentionally. |
| | Luckily, my mother sent me the raw chicken pre 9/11. |
| | If you think you should do something for someone, do it. |
| | Otherwise, you’ll forget about it or feel bad later when they are hit by a truck and you think I should have done that thing for them. |
| | Wipe your feet. |
| | Always be polite to law enforcement types, even the ones who look like weasels and haven’t fed your husband. |
| | Try to look upon things like making bail as learning experiences, or fodder for stories. Imagine your mother discussing tattoos with the bondsman. |
| | Or your sister-in-law. He leans in close. She can hear his leather jacket creaking. Is that Shalimar? He asks. |
| | Suddenly, you’re almost enjoying yourself. |
| | Ok, well it helps. The worst things are actually funny later. In 10, 20, ok, maybe 30 years. |
| | Always have scissors. I buy them at the dollar store and pepper the house. Also, the glovebox, the trunk, the office. The older you get, the harder it is to open things. |
| | While you’re at the dollar store, they sell those reading glasses… |
| | Lists are ok, but if you leave them alone long enough, 80% of the stuff on there becomes irrelevant. |
| | Put oil in the car now and then. |
| | Read the caps on the little dooleys in the car engine before adding any liquids. Even if you’re pretty sure that’s where you poured the stuff last time. Use a flashlight or a lighter. Get those dollar store glasses out of the glovebox. Make a young person look. If the cap is removable, take the thing off and read it in the headlights. Yes, I know it will be raining. It usually is when crap happens to the car. Get over it. Pretend you are Gene Kelly. |
| | Always be respectful to law enforcement. Yes, sir. No, sir. Whatever you say, sir. That’s a lovely hat, sir. I’ve always admired the way the highway patrol puts themselves on the line for us day after day. It’s sort of like the ones that Mounties wear, isn’t it? Do you have to starch it or anything? Just brush it? Gosh it’s nice…Yes, sir. A warning will do fine, sir. Won’t catch me with leadfoot again, sir. You have a nice day, too, officer. |
| | It’s not flirting if no bodily fluids are exchanged. |
| | Please, I don’t really want to see your nipples except, maybe, in a bar. I sure don’t want to see em at work. Put them away. Duct tape, camisole, something. Gah. |
| | I don’t want to see your underwear, ever, unless you are slumber partying, or taking them off. A touch of camisole perhaps, but no straps, and for god sakes no g string hanging out the back of your pants. Pull up your pants boys. You should only be jailin if you have a clue. |