| | Learn a useless language: Dutch, say. |
| | Go without TV for a month. |
| | Take a Greyhound from Portland, Oregon, to Portland, Maine--and if you think your ass hurts, imagine the suffering of the guy who's driving. |
| | Have a hero. |
| | Meet your hero. |
| | Be a hero. |
| | Ride a burro through the agave fields of Oaxaca. |
| | Work for food. |
| | Give a panhandler a hundred bucks. |
| | Take a vacation without a camera. |
| | Take a vacation without making reservations. |
| | Take a vacation without a guidebook. |
| | Let her drive. |
| | Roast a pig. |
| | Learn to play the accordion. (At your house, windows closed.) |
| | Take a blond to the fights at the Garden. |
| | Throw a punch. |
| | Take a punch. |
| | Break up a row. |
| | Be the most charismatic man in the room. (Somewhere other than McSorley's, where such a thing can be achieved most every day.) |
| | Patent something. |
| | In the hanging valleys of Glacier National Park, suck in great, greedy drafts of Montana air. |
| | Sail, among the seals and orcas, through Alaska's Prince William Sound from Valdez to Whittier before it's too late. |
| | See Aerosmith before it's too late. |
| | Call in to Firing Line and argue William F. Buckley Jr. into a corner, the bastard. |
| | Kiss your dad. |
| | Have a suit custom-made. |
| | Have shoes custom-made. |
| | Failing that, at least buy a really nice suit and pair of shoes. |
| | Make a million dollars. |
| | Pass down your favorite cuff links to your son. |
| | Drink Bordeaux in Bordeaux, champagne in Champagne, and Champale from a paper bag on a park bench. |
| | Fight a slash-and-burn fire in the Peruvian rain forest. |
| | Hike the Grand Canyon. |
| | Eat food you've grown. |
| | Eat food your neighbor has grown, without his permission, at night, and let the juice dribble down your chin. |
| | Assemble a rock band. Be the lead singer. Pleasure the groupies. |
| | Get booed (by the audience, not the groupies). |
| | Trash a hotel room, maybe one that belongs to Ian Schrager. |
| | Get fired, especially (but not limited to) when you're getting fired because you want to get fired. |
| | Quit a job, loudly and righteously and with great streams of triumphant profanity. |
| | Build a valuable business. Sell it. Enjoy. |
| | Buy one spectacular loser of a stock--and never, ever forget it. |
| | Dye your hair. |
| | Change your haircut. (Not to a mullet. Nor to a caesar.) |
| | Shave your head. |
| | Grow a long and flowing beard. |
| | Live under an assumed name, someplace far away, like the Jordanian desert, which, incidentally, is not a bad place to have a long and flowing beard. 44. Audition for something. |
| | Write a poem. A haiku will suffice. Here's one to get you started: Doggy got the mange / Biscuits rise all by theirselves / In the valley: Woo! |
| | Wear a little black dress in public. (Once. And only once.) |
| | Date an older woman. |
| | Lose your virginity to an older woman. |
| | Have your young and tender heart carved into bite-sized pieces, lightly salted, and chewed by an older woman. |
| | Stand up to a bully. |
| | Fly in a Learjet. |
| | Jump out of a Cessna. |
| | Drive a cab in Boston. |
| | Spend a night in the Odessa, Texas, jail. |
| | Settle down. |
| | Take a vow of silence for a week. |
| | Leave something behind. |
| | Bet everything on the trifecta at Sportsman's Park. |
| | Convene a game of Scrabble between yourself, Ivan Boesky, Stephen Hawking, and Prince. Call Prince "Prince." (What's he gonna do, slap you?) |
| | Hit a home run. |
| | Test-drive a car you can't really afford; take up the salesman's day with lots of questions; and, after a goodly amount of time, in class-action payback for all car buyers against all salesmen everywhere, say, "Thanks, but no thanks." |
| | Go up to the hottest woman at the party (the Laetitia Casta look-alike), not the third hottest (the Illeana Douglas look-alike ), the way you usually do. |
| | Assist a blind man. |
| | Look a mobster in the eye. |
| | Talk to God. |
| | Vote in anger. |
| | Run for office. |
| | Feel the recoil of a warm Kalashnikov. |
| | Save a life. |
| | Lend a hand, especially as concerns those hard-to-reach areas. |
| | Shave a woman's legs. |
| | Take a schvitz. |
| | Go around the world. |
| | Watch scrambled porn. |
| | Unplug your TV for a month. |
| | Buy a National guitar; learn to play it. |
| | Let someone else take all the credit. |
| | Get your due. |
| | Blame a completely innocent bystander. |
| | Take the rap. |
| | Learn to sing. |
| | Dance to Tito Puente. |
| | Do a puzzle with a five-year-old. |
| | Pay off your Visa. |
| | Design a house. |
| | Build the house. |
| | Failing that, someday, stop renting and buy a house, say, a small wood-frame job in Asheville, North Carolina. |
| | Take a year to live with the monks of Tibet. |
| | Take a year to live with the girls of Voyeurdorm.com. |
| | Tell the truth when you'd be better off lying. |
| | Climb a mountain--not Everest--without the slightest urge to write a book about it. |
| | Sail alone the ocean blue without the slightest urge to write a book about it. |
| | Write a brief autobiography without the slightest urge to publish it. |
| | Read the last book your wife read, unless it was by Maya Angelou. Discuss. |
| | Read all the books on your "Books to read before I die" list. |
| | Circumnavigate Corsica on a bright-red Ducati. |
| | Pay for sex. (Once, and only once--and don't bargain-shop.) |
| | Get paid for sex. |
| | Have sex in public. |
| | Sew on a button. |
| | Catch a fish. |
| | Read Moby Dick. |
| | Fast for a week. |
| | Get yourself into the best shape of your life. |
| | Get fat as a house, and feel no regrets. |
| | Tend bar in Nashville. |
| | Wait tables in Reno. |
| | Cross a police line. |
| | Learn the identity of Deep Throat and whether Oswald acted alone, and take these secrets to your grave. |
| | Get married. |
| | Surf. |
| | Cook chateaubriand for twenty. |
| | Perfect the mixing of a killer cocktail. Make this your signature drink. |
| | Kill something bigger than you. (Not that guy at work.) |
| | Sign over a full paycheck to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. |
| | Call an old girlfriend, the tough one you promised yourself you'd never speak to again. |
| | Fake an orgasm. |
| | Contribute to the production of a woman's orgasm, repeatedly, and make this a higher priority than your own. |
| | Repair a toaster. |
| | Coach a team. |
| | Break up with a woman without another in the wings. |
| | Pick the music for your funeral. |
| | Commit an act of civil disobedience. |
| | Commit a prank. |
| | Buy a hat. |
| | Cheat death. |
| | When you get home from work and your kid wants to play ball, play ball. |
| | Help a stranger. |
| | Get a shave, in a barbershop, with hot lather. |
| | Read a dirty magazine while getting a haircut in a barbershop. |
| | Learn the names of birds, trees, flowers, insects, topographical features, and constellations. Impart this knowledge to children. |
| | Entertain the possibility that there is, indeed, a heaven and a hell, and treat people accordingly. |
| | If you've already treated people poorly, prepare for what's coming to you. |
| | One last time with your first girlfriend. |
| | Avoid lying for one whole day. |
| | Take a job that involves a shovel or a hammer. |
| | Drive an 18-wheeler. |
| | Replace the carburetor on a small-block straight six. |
| | Surpass your father at his greatest skill. |
| | Make love to a woman from a foreign country. And her friend. (Simultaneously, should the opportunity arise.) |
| | Become a true connoisseur of just one thing, exotic lettuces, for example. This thing--enjoy it quietly, all by yourself. |
| | Sell Women's Shoes |
| | Arm-wrestle a stranger in a bar. Win. |
| | Deliver a eulogy (the later in life the better). |
| | Sit courtside, ringside, on the fifty, or front-row center, and then, afterward, find yourself in the locker room, backstage, in the dressing room, or at the cast party. |
| | Make a toast at a wedding--a short, funny, thoughtful toast. |
| | Do a spit take. (Not during the wedding toast.) |
| | Once, watch yourself on television, so that you know what you look like on television. Then stop. |
| | Sleep with someone you work with. In the boss's office. Then stop. |
| | Get an HIV test. |
| | Change careers. |
| | Change diapers. |
| | Get in touch with a long-lost friend. |
| | Call the person you think you've most wronged. Apologize. |
| | Call Brown & Williamson (800-578-7453) just to hear the outgoing message, which contains this sentiment: "We're a giant corporation, and you make us feel like a little kitten." |
| | Canoodle with an Icon |
| | When appropriate, return a bottle to the sommelier. (But only when appropriate.) |
| | Refuse to pay for a lousy meal. |
| | Dine and dash at Brasserie Lipp. (It is owned by Frenchmen. They deserve it.) |
| | Stiff a bad waiter. |
| | Eat psilocybin mushrooms. |
| | Pass up an opportunity to attend the Burning Man festival. |
| | Join a picket line. |
| | Volunteer at a soup kitchen. |
| | Write a sensuous letter to a prison inmate. (Use somebody else's name. And return address.) |
| | Swim beyond the breakers. |
| | Free ball. |
| | Gobble a meat-loaf sandwich at Graceland. |
| | Play poker in Vegas |