| | I don't get no respect! |
| | You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny GoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold! |
| | A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. |
| | Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw. |
| | During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. |
| | I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. |
| | I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it. |
| | I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people. |
| | I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. |
| | I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. |
| | I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it. |
| | I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. |
| | I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife. |
| | I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. |
| | I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with. |
| | I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!" |
| | I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. |
| | I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. |
| | I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth. |
| | If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. |
| | Life is just a bowl of pits. |
| | My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. |
| | My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. |
| | My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. |
| | My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two. |
| | My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. |
| | The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone. |
| | Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' |
| | I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born. |
| | I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want! |
| | I tell ya, when I was a kid all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. |
| | I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I don't need one. |
| | I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice—I don't know if I'm coming or going. |
| | It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway." |
| | My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too." |
| | The other night I told my kid, "Someday, you'll have children of your own. He said, "So will you." |
| | When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, "Is there someone else?" She said, "There must be." |