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"It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town." Steven Martin quotes  
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Tags: steve martin, quotes, comedians

Stephen Glenn Martin is an American comedian, writer, producer, actor, musician and composer.

	It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. Take religion, it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but science is based on pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, excludes metaphysics. I don't think I would believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
	I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk. Never at dusk.
	You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" and I tell them, "first you got to feel funny, so before I go on stage, I put bologna in my shoes – so I feel funny."
	People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
	Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.
	First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
	I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
	I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
	Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman—it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.
	I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
	I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
	Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
	There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
	What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
	You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
	Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! I promise to be unique! I promise not to repeat things other people say! I promise not to depreciate non-taxable items brought forth from the previous tax year!
	I'm not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them.

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