| 1. | Advertising executive Create perceived need/value for inherently generic or worthless products |
| 2. | Agent Talk on phone, take percentage. |
| 3. | Allergist Inject placebos to offset hypochondria in children |
| 4. | Aromatherapist Use smelly things to make people feel better |
| 5. | Aquarium cleaner for the rich Dredge fish feces out of tanks nicer than most people's apartments |
| 6. | Backup dancer Dance behind people's behinds, provide controlled substances, marry pop tarts |
| 7. | Barista Prepare doses for crazed acolytes of the bean |
| 8. | Being a brand Become the personal embodiment of a product or service |
| 9. | Being Donald Trump Arguably the No. 1 bulls**t artist on the planet |
| 10. | Best-selling author Crank it out |
| 11. | Blogger Download contents of your mind, even when there aren't any. |
| 12. | Book editor Take breakfast meeting with writers, assign ideas generated by others, hound writers for manuscripts, have lunch, hound writers for manuscripts, have drinks and dinner. Repeat as necessary |
| 13. | Boulevardier Frequent the most fashionable places, enjoy the company of fatuous people who are impressed with you and use your social cachet as their own, or vice versa. |
| 14. | Cable news demagogue Deliver highly opinionated news and views to people who don't want to hear anything that disagrees with them. |
| 15. | Celebrity stylist/aesthetic consultant Create a look for people who want to be looked at |
| 16. | Chairman Visionary, autocrat, delegator |
| 17. | Cheese artisan Sculpt milk products for upscale restaurants and pretentious markets |
| 18. | Closet organizer Organize closets for people who can't organize their own closets |
| 19. | Construction-site flag waver Stand in street and cause confusion |
| 20. | Consultant Have gun, will travel |
| 21. | Crumber Remove detritus from dining tables in restaurants. |
| 22. | Diet doctor Inspire fat people to buy books |
| 23. | Dolphin trainer Get aquatic mammals to smile for Kodak moments. |
| 24. | Economist Generate conflicting opinions |
| 25. | Executive Vice President, New Media Sell vaporware to space cadets. |
| 26. | Expert witness Testify what you're paid to. |
| 27. | Feng Shui consultant Show people how to improve their home, work and sex life by arranging their physical surroundings in ways that are in harmony with the universe. |
| 28. | Greeter Say hello to people when they come into a store, say hello to people when they come into the store... |
| 29. | Handwriting analyst Profile human behavior. Interpret meaningless chicken scratches without laughing. |
| 30. | Headhunter Put big jobs together with big people, at about the rate at which an elephant gestates. |
| 31. | HMO health care professional See sick people, get rid of them. |
| 32. | Industrial psychologist Utilize principles of behavioral psychology at the behest of senior management to manipulate minds of unsuspecting employees. |
| 33. | Infomercial spokesperson/celebrity pitchman Lend personal imprimatur to sell crap in paid programming time. |
| 34. | Investment banker Strumpet of capital |
| 35. | Life coach Take over hapless people's entire existence and reshape it in ways that you think are good for them. |
| 36. | Marriage counselor Help people complete the destruction of their marriage. |
| 37. | Meteorologist on TV Look good, play with map. |
| 38. | Patent troll Purchase dead patents for peanuts, sue real company, make billions. |
| 39. | Personal trainer Build average humans into gorgeous beasts, have sex with as many as you like, marry some of them for brief periods of time. |
| 40. | Poet Drink, write very little, diddle students, generally have license to misbehave while sponging off friends and other nonprofi t organizations. |
| 41. | Political reverend Turn public issues to personal advantage |
| 42. | Posse dude Stand around looking large |
| 43. | Quantum physicist/string theorist Produce theories about the nature of the universe that are not amenable to proof by normal human means. |
| 44. | Roadkill collector Cruise highways looking for dead things |
| 45. | Rogue journalist Work the system untroubled by annoying self-doubts entertained by others, misuse the confidence placed in you by your subjects, nurture book deals. |
| 46. | Sports bloviator Delve deep into a bottomless river of drivel. |
| 47. | Talking head/pundit Occupy a seat at any available table |
| 48. | Velvet-rope Nazi Establish and maintain elite fascist cadres |
| 49. | Vice president of the United States Be prepared. |
| 50. | Yeti Be strong, silent, and mysteriously unavailable |