| 1. | Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself. |
| 2. | A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around. |
| 3. | No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only. |
| 4. | If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti. |
| 5. | All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it. |
| 6. | Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable. |
| 7. | If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden. |
| 8. | Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity. |
| 9. | Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls. |
| 10. | Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom. |
| 11. | Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs. |
| 12. | Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening. |
| 13. | Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory. |
| 14. | Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again. |
| 15. | Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable. |
| 16. | Always flush. |
| 17. | When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another. |
| 18. | Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. |
| 19. | Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. |
| 20. | Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. |
| 21. | If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again. |
| 22. | Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available. |
| 23. | In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute. |
| 24. | Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay. |
| 25. | Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker. |
| 26. | If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!" |
| 27. | Don't look. Real men never compare sizes. |
| 28. | Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers. |