| | Ron Paul is against gun control because Ron Paul's body is impervious to bullets. |
| | Ron Paul was the body double for Julia Roberts' nude scenes in Pretty Woman and for Brad Pitt's fight scenes in Troy. |
| | Ron Paul is eight feet tall, tail to snout. |
| | Ron Paul can smell government spending. |
| | Ron Paul has a great beach house, and you can totally crash there sometime. |
| | You can use "Ron Paul" in place of any expletive. Ex.: "I just Ron Pauled my ex in the Ron Paul, and I had to scrub for hours to get all the Ron Paul off my Ron Paul." |
| | Ron Paul's motorcycle is fueled by global warming. |
| | Chuck Norris has a list of five people not to fuck with, and they're all Ron Paul. |
| | 95% of women polled admitted that they fantasized about Ron Paul during sex. The other 5% were polled while having sex with Ron Paul. |
| | Ron Paul doesn't have a dog. He has a human who has a dog. |
| | Ron Paul eats justice and shits hot vengeance. |
| | Ron Paul's natural hair color is "invisible." |
| | Ron Paul is technically a sovereign nation. |
| | Ron Paul is a blood relative of every U.S. President: past, present... and future. |
| | Ron Paul has had a time machine "for the past seven Earth-years." |
| | Ron Paul was not born, he was discovered in a field of volcanic glass. Ron Paul has no belly-button. |
| | To call the other Republican candidates "mere shadows of Ron Paul" is only to belittle the accomplishments of Ron Paul's shadow. |
| | Ron Paul eats sushi with his feet. |
| | Beauty and The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" are both based on Ron Paul. |
| | Ron Paul stabbed a stingray in the heart. |
| | Ron Paul does not believe in a tax on income. He does, however, believe in a tax on crying. |
| | Ron Paul sneezes pure heroine. |
| | Ron Paul is no longer welcome in Mexico. |
| | Ron Paul's words paint a thousand pictures. |
| | The Beatles were originally going to call themselves the Ron Pauls, but Ron Paul didn't want all that attention... yet. |
| | Ron Paul designed the Chicago sewer system. To this day, it remains the only sewer system that can speak in complete sentences. |
| | Ron Paul invented the moonwalk in the time he spent on the moon. He is currently working on the sunwalk. |
| | Ron Paul wears a silver amulet that allows him to part his hair on either side, but he's still waiting for "the perfect moment" to use it. |
| | The '57 Chevy was modeled after Ron Paul's chiseled physique. |
| | Ron Paul was born sixty years ago, but he's only forty-five years old. |
| | Ron Paul isn't a doctor. He's ten doctors. |
| | Ron Paul's house has a drawbridge. |
| | Ron Paul is so manly, he grows hair on his fingernails. |
| | Ron Paul's socks are made of broken glass. |
| | You know how Chris Kattan suddenly disappeared? Ron Paul says, "You're welcome." |
| | Ron Paul once thought he had a twenty-year cocaine habit. Turned out it was anthrax. |
| | Ron Paul can slow-cook a roast with his bare hands. |
| | Ron Paul is only against the war in Iraq until he's allowed to "go settle things Ron Paul-style." His words. |
| | Ron Paul let Jay-Z have Beyonce. |
| | Ron Paul has a rock garden that actually grows rocks. |
| | When someone tells Ron Paul to "watch your head," Ron Paul does. |
| | It wasn't a straw that broke the camel's back. It was Ron Paul's fist. He fucking hates camels. |
| | Ron Paul is so classy, his neck has a built-in ascot. |
| | Ron Paul got a hip replacement just for fun. |
| | Ron Paul actually sweats bullets. |
| | Ron Paul's blood can be used to vaccinate against communism. |
| | Ron Paul has discovered over 300 new uses for George Washington Carver. |
| | Ron Paul considers John Wayne movies to be documentaries. |
| | At sporting events, most people stand during the Star-Spangled Banner. Ron Paul levitates. |
| | Ron Paul has the unabridged text of the Constitution tattooed on his penis |
| | Ron Paul has two first names |